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"Big Time Super Hero"
OPEN ON:
A GRAINY, BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO
Of Spider-Man perched atop a speeding car. The photo is from
an odd angle, and is blurry.
JONAH (O.S.)
What is this crap?!
PULL BACK and we find ourselves in:
INT. DAILY BUGLE - JONAH'S OFFICE
A rather dull office, filled with framed newspaper headlines,
and even a few awards, though most are store bought.
J. JONAH JAMESON stands back to us, looking out the window.
The photo sits on his desk along with a half dozen or so
others. They're equally as grainy as the one.
JONAH
A whole week and our entire staff
of photographers can't get a single
decent shot of this nut-job?
He turns back to ROBBIE, BETTY BRANT, and a few PHOTOGRAPHERS
gathered on the other side of his desk.
JONAH
What am I paying you people for?
PHOTOGRAPHER #1
We're lucky to get what we've got.
He's not exactly posing for us.
ROBBIE
He might if you'd stop running
those smear articles about him.
JONAH
Do me a favor, Joey. Don't speak
unless spoken to.
(then)
Miss Brant, anything from the free
lancers?
BETTY
They all quit, remember?
Jonah flops back down into his chair.
JONAH
Lazy bastards. So hard to find good
help these days.
(beat)
What about tomorrow's headline?
BETTY
We're still going with The Spider
Man menace, last I heard.
JONAH
No, it's old. He needs a new name.
Something new. Something fresh.
PHOTOGRAPHER #2
Arachno-Man?
Jonah raises an eyebrow.
JONAH
Too cheap.
PHOTOGRAPHER #1
What about ultimate?
JONAH
Ultimate Spider-Man? What the hell
kind of lame-ass excuse for a title
is that?
PHOTOGRAPHER #1
No, Ultimate-Man.
Jonah stares at him.
JONAH
You're fired.
ROBBIE
We can't change his name, Jonah. We
didn't give it to him.
JONAH
What are you, his press agent? Tell
him to come in for an interview and
we'll call him whatever he wants!
BETTY
Maybe we can put out a reward. Cash
for pictures of Spider-Man.
Someone's bound to show up.
JONAH
And risk getting hit with a law
suit when some wacko jumps off a
roof after the guy? Not gonna
happen! I'd just assume pay him!
Jonah stops, thinking.
JONAH
That's it.
PHOTOGRAPHER #1
What is?
JONAH
We'll pay him.
ROBBIE
To do what?
JONAH
What do you think, Mickey? Bring
him in, sit him down for an
interview, take a few snap shots.
(beat, proud smile)
It's the perfect idea!
BETTY
Um... sir. How exactly are we
supposed to get in touch with him?
Jonah slams his hand down on his desk.
JONAH
Looks we just found our page one!
Uncertain looks all around.
JONAH
Well, what are you waiting for,
Arbor Day? Get to work!
The room begins to clear out.
PETER (PRE-LAP)
No.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKER HOME - FRONT PORCH - AFTERNOON
PETER sits on the front steps, along with Robbie.
ROBBIE
Pete, it's money in the bank.
Besides, what better way to let
people know you're not a psycho-nut
killer in a luchador costume?
Peter raises an eyebrow.
PETER
People think that?
ROBBIE
You gotta read the paper, man.
PETER
I mean, they actually said psycho
nut-luchador killer?
ROBBIE
Well, not in those exact... no, but
nobody knows what to make of you. I
mean, can you blame them?
Peter nods. He can't help but see Robbie's point.
PETER
I'll think about it.
ROBBIE
Well think fast. Jonah's...
He's cut off by the sounds of police sirens in the distance.
They share a knowing look as we:
CUT TO:
EXT. MANHATTAN - AFTERNOON
Smack in the middle of the city, police cars surround a small
store. Dozens of officers have gathered, their guns drawn.
One of them speaks with a megaphone:
OFFICER
I repeat, come out with your hands
up! Nobody needs to get hurt here!
CUT TO:
INT. STORE - CONTINUOUS
A MASKED GUNMAN stands near the door. Behind him, several
CUSTOMERS and the STORE CLERK have been bound by their hands
and feet, and placed in a corner.
GUNMAN
Go to hell!
He quickly FIRES several shots toward the officers.
BACK TO:
EXT. STREET - OUTSIDE STORE
The officers dodge the bullets, ducking behind their cars.
Several more shots are fired, but suddenly, they stop.
The officers look up slowly.
INT. STORE
The Gunman is trying to fire, but it's not working.
ANGLE ON THE GUN
And the barrel, clogged with webbing.
SPIDER-MAN (V.O.)
You know, I've been at this all
weekend. All damn weekend.
BACK TO SCENE as the Gunman looks up, stunned.
Perched atop the main desk is SPIDER-MAN.
SPIDER-MAN
And you have got to be the dumbest
loon with a gun so far.
(beat, thinks back)
Well, there was the guy in the ice
cream truck... and the other guy
with the Spongebob hat.
The Gunman takes aim briefly, they realizes and throws the
gun to the ground. He takes out a knife.
SPIDER-MAN
Seriously, dude. It's broad
daylight! Couldn't you have waited
until it was a little dark outside?
The Gunman (or is it Knifeman now?) Charges Spidey, taking
several swings and stabs at him with the knife. Spider-Man
easily dodges them all, then grabs his hand.
He snatches the knife away from him, then catches him with a
HARD PUNCH to the face. The man drops to the floor.
SPIDER-MAN
See, now if you had just waited...
Spider-Man turns his attention to the hostages, lined-up
against the wall. He walks over and begins to untie the ropes
from their hands and feet. They're dead quiet.
SPIDER-MAN
That's right, it's your friendly
neighborhood Spider-Man. Here to
save the day. Not crazy luchador
killer guy. Spider-Man, and don't
forget the dash.
(beat)
Don't all thank me at once.
The hostages look at him, many of them looking scared.
SPIDER-MAN
Alrighty then. Have a nice...
Spidey turns, only to find several COPS in the doorway.
SPIDER-MAN
Oh, there's your guy.
He nods to the unconcious Gunman.
OFFICER
You two working together?
SPIDER-MAN
Oh yes, because friendship and
unconsciousness go hand-in-hand.
OFFICER
What can you tell me about him?
SPIDER-MAN
He's... not a vampire?
The officer draws his gun...
OFFICER
Alright, smart-ass...
Spider-Man quickly leaps into the air, fires a strand of
webbing out the door, and glides past the stunned officers.
In a split second, Spidey's gone.
EXT. ROOFTOP - MOMENTS LATER
Spider-Man jumps into view, looking back across the street at
the store. The cops are leading the gunman out in handcuffs.
SPIDER-MAN
(yells out)
Be easy! He's afraid of the dark!
One of the cops quickly looks up. Spidey ducks down.
He notices something on his arm. A slight tear along his
costume. Apparently, the guy had more luck with his knife
than we thought.
SPIDER-MAN
Hope Jeopardy's still on.
INT. STANLEY'S APARTMENT
Looking about the same as the last time we saw it. STANLEY
sits on the couch, watching TV.
ALEX TREBEK
(filtered from TV)
No, I'm sorry. The answer we're
looking for is, who is Nimoy.
Leonard Nimoy.
There's a knock at the window. Stanley stands, walks over to
it, and opens it, revealing Spider-Man.
STANLEY
Didn't expect to see you so soon.
SPIDER-MAN
Had a little accident.
He shows Stanley the tear in his costume.
STANLEY
Shouldn't be too tough to patch-up.
Come on in.
Spidey enters, closing the window behind him.
Spider-Man removes the top of his costume, leaving the mask,
pants, and boots on. He tosses it to Stanley.
SPIDER-MAN
Do you think this costume looks
like a...
STANLEY
African mountain zebra.
SPIDER-MAN
Huh?
ALEX TREBEK
Correct!
SPIDER-MAN
Oh, right. Jeopardy guy.
(beat)
Do you think people are afraid of
me? I mean... in the psycho killer
kind of way?
STANLEY
I don't know why they would be.
Stanley begins stitching up the costume.
SPIDER-MAN
Yeah, a friend of mine, he thinks I
should do an interview. You know,
to show people that I'm not crazy.
STANLEY
Before you do that, you may want to
prove it to yourself.
SPIDER-MAN
You think I'm crazy?
Stanley laughs.
STANLEY
You swing around in a funny looking
costume saving people you've never
met. Crazy? You tell me.
SPIDER-MAN
I have my reasons.
STANLEY
Then what does it matter what other
people think? You know what you
stand for. You keep doing what
you're doing, they'll come around.
SPIDER-MAN
I hope so. I've been at this a week
and people seem to be more scared
of me than anything else.
STANLEY
Like I said, just keep it up.
People know a good thing when they
see one. It'll just take some time.
SPIDER-MAN
I need a publicist.
STANLEY
Don't we all.
In the distance, a faint explosion is heard.
SPIDER-MAN
That didn't sound good.
STANLEY
Here, good as new.
Stanley tosses him the costume, smiles.
STANLEY
Now get to work.
Spidey slips the top back on, then heads for the window.
STANLEY
Hey, kid?
(Spidey looks back)
Keep it up.
SPIDER-MAN
Will do. Oh, and... thanks.
Spider-Man leaps out the window. Stanley follows, looks out.
STANLEY
Anytime!
STANLEY'S NEIGHBOR (O.S.)
Shut it, Stanley!
Off Stanley's grin:
FADE OUT.
THE END
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.