Blade Runner (with Pilot)

[Stevie_G]

Posted 16/02/2012 - 2nd Pilot Attempt

In the earlier part of the 21st century, a World War III Terminal created radiation poisoning which destroyed much of Earth.  The United Nations Encouraged the emigration to within locked down city boundaries where all forms of humanity were united together - no matter of colour, religion and nationality.  Work began on looking to create off-world colonies as a way to preserve the human race.

The Tyrell Corporation rose out of the ashes during these years of depressive states within humanity, and advanced robot evolution into the ‘Nexus’ phase - genetically manufactured beings, virtually identical to humans, apart from one thing.  Emotions.  These could not be created at the time of their original design.  They became known as Replicants.

The Nexus Replicants were created in several Stages, from Nexus-1 Replicants designed for basic housework support and having a longer life span, to Nexus-6 Replicants who were superior in strength, agility and intelligence to their genetic engineer who designed them.  These had a life span of five years.

Replicants were created as slave labor, with higher Models used in the hazardous exploration of mining, construction and exploration of other planets, amongst other things.

Occasionally, some Replicants malfunctioned.  Those that escaped were hunted down by a specialist police force known as ‘Blade Runners’.  Trained to kill upon detection.

This was not called execution.

It was called......

Retirement


The Story:

Los Angeles.  2056.  After returning to Earth from his assignment upon mining and the colonization of Mars, Roy Batty, Nexus-6 Replicant Model is sent for repairs to minor glitches in his system and memory.  As he is being inspected, he breaks loose.

Blade Runners, Officer Grace Holden and her young partner are sent in to 'Retire' Batty who is still at the Tyrell Corporation.  What they discover is a Replicant that offers little remorse, and deadly skills far superior to what they have faced past.

As Batty escapes, Captain Gaff calls in a favour from an old friend, a former Blade Runner who was regarded as the best in the business before he retired several years back in a shroud of mystery.  Rick Deckard.

As Deckard gets suited up one more time, to hunt down Batty, he soon discovers he is a pawn in a game played between Tyrell and Batty, and while the hunt is on, secrets, lies and more begin to unravel around him which may alter his own feelings to the world around him .....


CAST LIST:


played by Jensen Ackles

Deckard is a former 'Blade Runner', a special agent who worked for the sub-division of the L.A.P.D. called ‘Rep-Detect’.  He retired several years ago in a shroud of mystery.

As he gets called back into action, to hunt down Roy Batty.  He finds himself drawn in a dangerous game, and on the hunt for a Replicant unlike anything he has faced before.


played by Shane West

Roy Batty is a Level A intelligent & Mental ‘Replicant’ who is powerful, fast, dangerous and skilled in forms of combat.   He is known as the most dangerous Replicant that has existed with immense intelligence.

His actions of his escape, are drawn from a sudden desire to live.  Although not mastered the workings of emotions that are building inside of his memory at this time.  He soon discovers secrets about Tyrell and his Corporation which he hopes will give him answers to what he seeks.... eternal life.

He often speaks famous quotes of past authors, novelizations and more - but altering slightly to his own desires of which he may feel is suited best to his situation.


Other Cast:


played by Olivia Wilde

Officer Grace Holden is a 'Blade Runner', once trained by Deckard many years ago, and since has become the best Officer on the force with more Retirements than even Deckard left with.

A skilled marksman, she uses her brain to try and end many confrontations peacefully rather than retirements, but isn't afraid to resort to it as a last resort if it comes to it.  Often, her arrogance can over compensate for her ability which can result in others getting hurt in the process.


played by Edward James Olmos

Captain Gaff runs the Rep-Detect sub-division with an iron fist.  Grinding disipline and respect into the team, and often leading to confrontations with Holden.  He is mostly considered a quiet man, who rarely speaks unless he needs to, and keeps to himself a lot of the time.  He has a dislike for Replicants, often referring to them as 'Skin Jobs'.


played by Summer Glau

Pris is an erotic dancer who works at Taffey’s Bar.  While little is known of Pris at this time, her true meaning and showing will be slowly revealed as an integral part of the future.


played by Mark Pellegrino

Dr. Tyrell is the owner of Tyrell Corporation, the company behind designing and creating ‘Replicants’.

Tyrell is a driven businessman, interested in power, money and his hold upon the world he lives within.  He uses his power and wealth to get whatever he desires and seems untouchable.  But behind it all, lays secrets and lies that are unspoken of beyond his close associate.

He has an admiration for birds, and keeps hold of a rare, real Golden Eagle in his office allowing it to fly around on it’s own.


played by Daniel Dae Kim

Hannibal is a nickname that has stuck with Chew due to his slice and dice action.  He is the true genius behind the Replicants, a Genetic engineer who creates all parts for the rebuilt models and future technology.  Only himself and Tyrell know the real truth that lies behind the closed walls of the Tyrell Corporation.


played by Laura Vandervoort

Rachael works for Dr Tyrell as his private secretary.  Strange in her own way, who doesn’t get out much.  She finds Deckard interesting, seeking to learn more about him.   She also forms a close bond with Dr Tyrell, but be it sexual no one is sure of at this time.....



played by Rutger Hauer

J.F. Sebastian is seen to be a silly old blind man by many, but behind the eyes lays secrets of his past and who he once was.  Now living in a run down building on his own, he will find himself drawn in the crossfire between two enemies and information of his own that may help one side.


played by Christopher Eccleston

Taffey is a low down piece of scum, and owner of Taffey’s bar, a seedy nightclub in the back alley of the Entertainment section of the city.  Although he serves alcohol and deals in supplying illegal substances within the confinements of his establishment, his rich backers he now holds always are able to get him out of any arrests put upon him.

His club not only offers anyone with a dollar to spare booze and drugs, but also sexual pleasure as his exotic dancers perform 24 hours a day on stage, and even occasionally offer personal services backstage in secured rooms for their own pleasures.


played by Serinda Swan

Zhora is an exotic dancer, who works at Taffey’s bar.  Still reatlively young in her position working at the club, she is highly trained in dancing and has drawn a following of seedy men and women who desire after her.


EPISODE GUIDE:


Posted 16/02/2012 - 2nd Pilot Attempt

After a Replicant escapes from the Tyrell Corporation, considered to be the most dangerous one ever to exist.  Rick Deckard, a former ‘Blade Runner’ who retired several years back is called back up to hunt the dangerous criminal down, but soon gets drawn in the crossfire that begins to unwind around him.

[Matt]

I will read this asap tomorrow.

[Matt]

Quick History Lesson:
Conflicted over two pilots to write and ideas to work on, I flipped a coin. Blade Runner lost. Demolition Man won.
End History Lesson.

Anyway, now to Blade Runner. A film I love so much, and nearly wanted to develop as a VS at one point..I'm going to comment as I read so forgive the notes-like format of the following...

The opening crawl - effective and to the point - though a personal niggle is the use of 'pause' a few times...doesn't read well - especially the ending and start of a new sentence for the 'Early Retirement' line. In fact - a few times I've noticed you've used: (pause) when you can use an elipse...

E.g.

BATTY
All I wanted lately...is
to live.

Or at least use '...' before you use a (pause) or a (beat) e.t.c.

Also: I've noticed the use of full character names for character dialogue: you don't need that. You can refer to them as DECKARD and BATTY - you won't need the full name.

The Flashback device to begin with - but you start with the final battle...I can see what you're getting with here, but the dialogue between Batty and Deckard seems too...functional. Deckard is also a lot more vocal for someone who really doesn't care about Replicants and there's quite a bit of exposition repeated between the two of them about replicants and Deckard's dialogue just doesn't click. Their voices feel quite similar and there isn't much life or spark between them.

Be careful of description in parenthesis - don't do it. (i.e. the Advertisement voiceover).

Your description or areas and action is very good - quite a few typos and language that could be tinkered, but the chase after the title page is well paced. Though be careful of the semi-colons following over across to the next line.

Grammar could use some tweaking throughout, and the dialogue still needs loosening up. Best example of these problems so far can be done in the following exchange:

OFFICER GRACE HOLDEN
Okay, We can sort this out.

ANDREW
You don’t fool me. Your here to
retire me. Well you shoot, and I
slit his throat.

OFFICER GRACE HOLDEN
No need for anyone to be harmed
here today. Let’s just talk.

ANDREW
Talk. I’m sick of talking.

Easily tweaked to:

HOLDEN
Okay, okay... we can sort this out.

ANDREW
You think I'ma idiot? Huh? HUH?
You're gonna kill me! W-well, you
shoot -- I'll slit his throat, I swear!

HOLDEN
(cautious)
That doesn't have to happen, okay?
Why don't we have a chat?

ANDREW
Chat? A CHAT?
(laughs nervously)
All I do is "chat..."

Unfortunately the scene then goes into an encore of the themes that Deckard and Batty were talking about, and the death of Thomas still needs it's dialogue sprucing up.

There's a lot of damn damning in this damned script I'm noticing - especially in the Bryant/Holden/Gaff scene. I mean, damn. It doesn't help that Gaff and Bryant are the same angry Law-Enforcing-Authority-Figure-Cliche-In-A-Cop-Movie and throwing a few British idioms into American characters "fan-bloody-tastic" accidentally.

26 pages in and the story has stalled really badly. We get that Deckard was the best of the best, the characters are routinely beating us over the head with that fact in one scene.

You could get drunk playing the "characters that day DAMN" game on this script.

RICK DECKARD
What can I say? Time’s have
changed. And.
(pause)
I ain’t getting any younger.

It's that mid-way sentence thing again...it doesn't look right. Something along the lines of:

DECKARD
What can I say? I guess times
change, and, well...
(beat; glance at holden)
...I ain't getting any younger.

Elipses are your friend in this instance.

So I've just had the interrogation of Deckard; and it's clear that his character isn't really nailed. He's either tormented alcoholic but then morphs into a loose cannon who's in more control than he lets on. As main characters go he's not the most interesting.

-------

So I ended up reading most of the rest of the script quickly with the confrontation of Batty -- and overall, I think that the script needs a lot of work. The characters need fleshing out and given more unique voices as the dialogue comes across as really stilted, and everyone's voice sounds so familiar. The plot doesn't really go anywhere any there are characters in here that don't actually need to be there. You could theoretically get away without having Tyrell and Rachael because Deckard already has agreed to find Batty. You also don't need Zhora or Pris here since Deckard and Holden already

In fact, Deckard's character still doesn't make that much sense. If he's the best of the best, and there's the hints of what happened to his wife (which really needs clarifying here - or at least her presumed fate at the hands of a replicant) why would he give up what was the ideal role to find the replicant who killed her? How long ago was it? What's stopping the replicant from having been retired naturally? I could by him being a part-time consultant staying in the office but being drawn back in by Batty...but at the moment, Deckard has just been all over the place. He speaks too calmly to Batty after we've been told he can't stand Reps, and he manages to jump across buildings whilst having miraclously recovering from being drunk. His relationship with Holden needs clarifying as well, as at one point there seems to be a past relationship history, then general hatred, to a fatherly care. I can see the trouble you can have with the movie version of Deckard being quiet and rather internal which might not fully work in an ongoing series - but at least nail him down properly. He's too all over the place.

Holden ends up being a cipher to bounce off Deckard and doesn't have anything to make her stand out. She didn't come out in the right light in how she dealt with Andrew and Thomas and any attempts for her to show any character has gone as she just follows what Gaff/Bryant and Deckard do (Sidenote: You actually don't need Gaff and Bryant - they're the same character split into two at the moment!). I can see that there's a mystery about her from the last few pages, and I'm guessing you're going to having the is she/isn't she a replicant question running through about her rather than Deckard...but ending the episode on her instead of Deckard fully becoming a Blade Runner again leaves the episode as a singular piece of drama just makes it feel incomplete. There's no real way for the pilot to signpost how the show would function each episode...and this feels like the end of a first part of a two-part story.

And finally - you have Batty. Now Batty is a tricky beast, because he keeps claiming that his only crime is wanting to live - but he hasn't fully mastered the complex emotions of humanity and is only working on survival and thus can't see his own hypocritical actions when he uses violence. I can see a lot of potential with him - but at the moment he suffers the same as the other characters in that he's underwritten. He seems too preachy and considering he's hell bent on survival...why he doesn't just kill Deckard and Holden is beyond me as he has at least two opportunities to kill two hunters. It limits his threat and his instinct to live. I'd of thought he'd of made sure Holden had a more serious gunshot wound...hmm, probably just me.

You get some of the description down pat, and there are some interesting set pieces you show a lot of promise (the action bits are quite well paced) though some scenes go on. The club has a little too much description to it when you've managed to be quite economical at the start in quickly painting the seedy look of the future in quite a few choice phrases. Perhaps use a lot of short sentences at times - especially in the dialogue that also could be loosened up a little bit more. Little short setences. Littered throughout the script. Could easily be extended. Only contain a few words.

So overall - there's a lot of ideas that need a lot of work (I personally think a Blade Runner VS would kick so much arse). There's some technial writing habits you need to iron out like character names, loosening up the dialogue (including that 'pause' thing) and especially trying to trim down scenes that go on too long (it's something I've been accused of many-a-time). This pilot needs a real brush up on it's dialogue, the characterisation needs to be deepened and then with the inevitable drop in page count you can begin to add more plot to tie them together and figure a way of ending the pilot on much more of a hook to get people to read the next episode. Tyrell, Rachael need better use to tie them into the story. Deckard really needs to be worked on. Gaff/Bryant need to be different or at least one of them removed and Holden and Batty need their voices and characters tweaked quite a bit.

But don't give up - the basis of the idea is good...just needs a lot more work.

[Stevie_G]

Thanks Latham, really appreciate the read through and especially your notes on the pilot episode.  I have done a rewrite, but reading your notes, I still feels another good rewrite again to clean a lot up as I think I've extended some bits where shouldn't (now 64 Pages in length).

The opening I was conflicted between which to use, I have decided to go with the scrolling type backstory instead of Deckard informing of us of the past as reads better and how was used in original film.

The (pause) has slipped into my writing for this script for some strange reason and put in too much, as in past I did use the elipse...  The full character names you have told me before I believe, and will need to catch as it fills in automatically the name as I write it.

The descriptions in parenthesis I need to sort, as the advertisement I have rewritten has added a bit more in it so will have to work on that again.  The semi-colons onto next line I don't know why i did, but I believe in the rewrite I have cut those out.

Gaff and Bryant I see what you mean with them two, and I think dropping Bryant would be beneficial to the story.  The damn's are a bit too excessive also, and will have to work on cutting much of those out.

The dialogue and nailing the characters down are often my weakest points of a script, along with grammar.  I think action scenes are my strongest, but still then I can often overwrite them at the start and need cutting later.

The end I agree and maybe shouldn't end on Holden, and may look to change how it ends.

Anyway, it's a lot of considerations for me to think about and see how I can adapt it better, and do appreciate as said all your notes on the areas that need working on as that's what I needed, someone to look over and see where I was going wrong and what needed working on more.

Already, I have some ideas flowing in my mind, which I'll just throw up for now as a possible change in direction for the pilot and differences to some characters:--

Opening with Batty's escape from the Tyrell Corporation - which would allow Tyrell to be shown (cutting out the scene later) - and we get to see Batty earlier in the story which could......

.... lead to the chase by Holden and her partner in going after Batty at the start, and not another unknown runner. 

Leading to her partner's death, maybe herself injured, calling in Deckard out of retirement as he's the best (maybe dropping him as being a drunk, although enjoys a drink now and again), but out of commission for a while so not as fit as used to be, and adds that bit of emotional baggage to catch Batty for what happened to his protegee.

Add of a scene where Batty is shown (at start I feel during escape) infiltrating the computer network inside Tyrell Corp / or stealing a disc with information on it and reading it later at some kind of cyber cafe place, and discovering information which sends him to Taffy's bar.

The Batty / Pris scene I want to keep as is part of my bigger storyline I have imagined (although rewrote anyway to leave a bit of mystery to that side from original).   

This maybe would then have a starting point for Deckard to work from -- as he arrives at the Tyrell Corp and meets Rachael who informs him of some information he has aquired, sending him to Taffy's and chasing Batty and a showdown between them on a rooftop.

Ending on Deckard being officially brought back as a Blade Runner, alongside Holden who pulls through her run-in with Batty.

So begins their assignment, of catching Replicants on the run, while also trying to catch Batty as the bigger backstory each week as more is learnt of the whole development of what is happening at Tyrell Corp, the Replicants and other characters involvement etc.

I think overall this idea drops some of the baggage of Deckard being a drunken loser on a downward spiral - although still mystery to why he left in the first place, introduces us to Batty and what he's capable of from the start of the episode, offers more reason to why Deckard wants to hunt down Batty.  Introduces us differently to Tyrell and Rachael, while Pris is just a small part again still at this point of series but bigger plans later, and ending with the return of Deckard as a Blade Runner with Holden as his partner.

[Stevie_G]

After some advice, I've began work on a slightly different Pilot.  Altering directions and characters a little.

I've messed about with the Pitch at top of page a little, adding backstory and bit about the story itself.  Changed few character bits of info.

I have dropped Bryant, as said he is a little too much like what I had planned for Gaff, and yet also I have altered Gaff a little as well, giving him a more quieter sense of feel to the guy, calmer yet disciplined I want him to be now.  I think two bosses right now may be too much anyway.  Also changed actor playing him   A little playback to the original there also, alongside Sebastian casting.

Almost completed with new draft in a new direction... posting very soon

[Stevie_G]

Well, after wonderful feedback from Latham, and taking it all away and looking at a redevelopment of the initial idea.  I have finally finished a 2nd attempted Pilot episode.

Posted 16/02/2012 - 2nd Pilot Attempt - 52 Pages

I've looked to improve on dialogue, making much of it sharper, faster interactions instead of long, winding ones.  More depth to some characters (Batty now comes out more a cold blooded killer, Gaff has an air of mystery and strangeness to him as well as speaks only when required and shorter to the point words).

Holden features much less, but adds a bit of depth and mystery to reasoning why Deckard comes back which can be explored upon, while Deckard isn't as agile as he used to be in past and shown.

Much of the story has been re-written to what featured in 1st attempt.  Beginning with, after I couldn't nail original opening I tried to get down, a better more action packed aggressive opening.  Action probably my strongest point of writing.

Some points Latham pointed out I have tried to work on and take out of the script, so hopefully caught most of that.  (pause), long dialogues, too many 'damns' amongst the few things.

Grammar may still need a little work, but I feel comes across as a stronger Pilot this time.  More depth to the story and pace along the way to the ending which does stop on Deckard this time and a little mystery ending.

So, any advice or comments on the re-written 2nd attempt of a draft would be welcomed and very appreciated.

[Matt]

Just started to give a re-read...man, you love to use --

-- your dash key...

[Stevie_G]

Just started to give a re-read...man, you love to use --

-- your dash key...

Haha, yeah seems another little thing crept into my scripts.  At first, I was just aiming to use the -- as a way of carrying on when the action moves quickly onto something happening afterwards but broken into a new action slug. 
ie.

GIANT SCREENS situated around the city; fixed to exteriors of buildings offer advertisements of branded items --

-- as one advert plays in a loop on one screen; starting with a MAN perched on the edge of a desk - staring at us.

Unfortunately seems to have crept in a lot more now for other uses.  And probably can be cut out when I go through again to cut any more things that may have caught others eyes.

Hope you enjoy this one more though than my first attempt.  Any comments on it always appreciated.  Just writing a bit of a bible of some form for it with few ideas of what I see involved in the show as some plans and thoughts on the show I have put bit more depth in as little different from film in areas (ie. Replicants types, history of characters, thoughts on future ideas I see in show and storylines to work in over season long arc roughly, etc).